Psychological stages of Thanksgiving?

Probably the most fucked up thanksgiving I have ever had.
It was Mandi, my parents, Jim (from Mandi's work), and myself. I did the cooking, and  I will say that it was a kick ass feast!

So after everyone left, we all took a nap. Afterwards Mandi was pouring a drink and started doing the usual body language that signaled there was something troubling her. When I asked about what was bothing her, she said nothing. But I knew better, so I asked again.

She started crying.......

She confessed to me that she still "Has feelings" for Sam. She told me she felt like she was in this endless cycle. She said she didn't want to tell me because she knew I would be hurt. Frankly, she strung me along.
So I resorted to finding out on my own. I told her that if she was honest with me form the beginning, none of this would have ever happen. However if I find oout on my own, then I will be pissed off cause I consider that a betrayal.

So, it funny and pathetic that we went to marriage counseling, and during that entire time she was in love with another guy. What's even MORE fucked, is that we had sex several times when she was harboring this feelings.

So now for a third time this year I am going through the psychological stages of a divorce.

1. Blaming the Spouse
2. Mourning the Loss
3. Anger
4. Being Single
5. Re-Entry

Funny how these are similar to the psychological stages of death

1. Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2. Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3. Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4. Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5. Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

What a coincidence?

New Life?

When Mandi and I was going through the divioce she made "New Life" as a password.
So, what the hell happen to finally push me over the edge you say?
I wondered why Mandi didn't want to friend me on Facebook, and I found out why. She friended the guy she slept with while we were married. I explained that it really hurts me more than most cause she is the only person I have been with.
I told her that now I knew why she didn't friend me, and her retort was,
"I knew you would get upset."
So then I said that if you knew that I would get upset if I found out, then why would you even risk it.
Well, for the sake of my sanity and hers, I am moving on and making sure she does the same.
I don't hate her. I just have excepted that we just can't make it work. Therefore I moved out and will be finding a permanent place soon. I am not going to ever get married again, that is for sure!

What happens in Vegas.......

So, Mandi comes up to me last night and mentions that James (Some 50 year old who manages a cleaning company, and is supposedly a "millionaire". He is one of the vendors that Mandi's company uses.) ask if she would like to go to Vegas for a weekend.

What could I say, NO? Mandi and I, well just live together now. I have made attempts to be affectionate, but I think that we are just together for survival and nothing more. She needs my paycheck, and I need a place to stay.

So I said, sure go ahead.

Well, what she don't realize is that I have a plan of my own. I have a weeks vacation that she don't know about. I am going to see a friend of mine.....or who knows. I have to come up with something.

I would like to hang out with Gayle, she moved away. I might go see her if she is cool with it? She had to spit up with her boyfriend of 8 years, so she might not want me to be there. I was friend with him too. Seemed a cool guy. I would like to hang out there in Florida with her for a few days. Get some much needed relaxation.
I haven't been to a beach in almost 10 years! I am do.

You know I really wish I can be more like Kevin. He is separated from his wife (he has 2 kids), and that don't slow him down a bit. He his taking Scott to some Dominatrix chick this Saturday. I think I may hang with Kevin more often so he can rub off on me.

Jesus, my life is one big fucking comedy.

Post 9: Facebook and parties

April 17th was the last time I was on facebook, until last night. Why did I decide to activate my account again, I don't know? I am not a big fan of the whole social networking thing. Mandi is addicted to it, and that is ok. I am glad she has something to take her mind off stuff. I left my "status" blank rather than married or single, etc.

I send a friend request to her to be polite, but she said that Facebook was something that she would like to keep private? That is ok with me. I was kind of hoping that I would not have to friend her.

The world is so strange to me right now. I feel like I love her, but it is displaced. I want to stay, but also want to leave. Having the kids makes this so much more difficult. If it weren't for them, I would have stayed gone. They can drive me nuts, but I do love them.

Mandi did come right out and say it, but I knew she didn't want me to go to the her company party; so I won't. I was pissed at first, but then I realized I didn't want her at mine. I am just not sure how we stand right now or why we even continue. Probably for survival right now. We need each other's income.

If I ever make 60K a year, I can move out and still help out my kids. Money could very well bring me a level of happiness.

Post 8: After Halloween

Yesterday was Halloween, and I must say that even though I had to work on my favorite holiday (again), I had a good time. I made the most of having to be at work by going around with my Jig Saw mask and scaring coworkers. Then after work I gave Trick-or-treaters a little scare as well. I didn't scare little kids (under 8), I'm not a dick you know. I also gave "Happy Halloween" message to my Forum and MySpace pals. Below is the pic I made (just something I threw together last minute of me wearing the Jig Saw mask) using my webcam.

Mandi went to my parents house to let them see the kids. Her idea, imagine that? My mom was crying cause she was happy to see the kids. Geez, is my Mom that big of a drama queen. She acts like I said she can't see them, when in reality I invited them to see them every Monday if they wanted.

SO, They had a short talk and Mom said she was sorry about the email's content. I am glad she apologized. It's not her place to bring that shit up. I am the only one that was hurt and therefore I alone have the right to forgive or not. Perhaps I may be a bit off on that, but I just need to feel like I have some control over that shit that happen, and to prevent that shit for continuing to haunt me.

Last night was fun though. After taking the kids trick-r-treating, we hung out with the neighbors. I had three beers then helped put the kids to bed. Then I played Dungeon Fighter for about three straight hours! It was so I can qualify for a contest. I normally don't ever commit that much time to the game, but it does kick ass and is a GREAT stress reliever.