Post 7: Shit hits the fan, again.

My day was going normal until I get a call from Mandi. She asked me if I have check my [personal] email. in which case I haven't. So, I told her I would.

My mother again is trying to be the "Hero" (A classification I learned in Marriage Matters) with the following email:
Hi Mandi,
I just don't know how we ended up with this wall between us.  But for the sake of Chris and the family, can we please start over?  I would very much like to resolve these hard feelings.
I will be honest with you and let you know that we were horrified that you'd cheated on Chris!  However, Ed and I realize that it is between you and Chris and that it is not our place to stick our noses in.  Our only excuse, is that we love our son so much and want only the best for him.
You and Chris seem happy now and we are happy for you both. It has come to our attention that you don't want Chris to see us.  We have already apologized for previous shortcomings on our part. If your parents lived close by and Chris told you not to see them , I'm sure you that would offend and hurt your feelings.  All in all, we feel most of this stems from your feeling that we do not want to see the children or to babysit them.  That's just not true!  We love to see our Grandchildren but in some cases you and Chris  inconvenience us and the kids by not being clear about when they were coming over or how long they were going to stay.( ie , The time we asked you to come home from the wedding at 10 pm because the kids were unhappy and wanted you not us that night. We didn't call you for our best interest but for theirs.)  I'm sure you understand their needs come first.
We would love to see the kids , however Ed and I are very busy now and do need notice so we can plan for that time.
Please understand, we do not hate you or even dislike you. You are our daughter in- law and part of our family.  We hope you will want to be part of our family too.
I've tried several times to reach out to you and this is my last ditch effort to get us past this.  I thought we were friends at one time and I'd like to get back to that relationship one day.
Please let me know if we can have a friendly relationship with you again.  I miss the fun and laughter we used to have.
Sincerely,
xxxxxxxxxxx


So, after I read it I was like "What the Fuck!" I am just starting to feel better again, and again, my parent had to hit the hornets nest. Why did she have to mention the cheating! She could have made her point without adding that! My dignity has been in the shitter for a long time. Lets see why shall we?

• My wife has fucked another guy last March when we were separated, and I did nothing about it.
• I can't afford to move out and start over, and pay for my kids.
• I get paid a shitty salary!
• Both of my kids are autistic.
• My parents suck.
• Mandi's boss gives us money to feel like his is helping someone in need.

It's a damn miracle I haven't fuckin killed my self or somebody else yet.


Oh, and some of the facts in there are a little off, and some left out. During the wedding we got two phone call, the 2nd at 9:00pm when they told me that we had to come back.


And, "busy"?


My Mom doesn't work. She spends her time with her new puppy (a poodle) dressing it in outfits and IMing her sister. Dad works a lot, but what is with this "We" bullshit?


Not only that, but this letter make me feel like she thinks I am a shitty parent. This their needs come first. Well, she should have took her own advice when it came time to help me.


I am trying so hard to forget the past and forgive for their and Mandi's wrongs to me, but this shit makes it really hard to forget anything.

Post 6: Again, and again

Last night was my Marriage Matters class. Intimacy and openness was the topic. I am beginning to like my group though. They are fun to be with.

Again my Dad called about Halloween, and again I said I can't bring the kids cause I have to work till 5pm. I don't know if he is losing his memory or just pissing me off on purpose. I told my parents that Mondays are the days to see the kids and they will have to drive to me. I spent the last four years driving to them. Of course they say,
"We got some Halloween stuff for the kids and thought they would like to have it."

I am just sick of having to cater to everyone else.

I could tell Dad was surprised when I told he I put in the toilet. He probably feels like I don't need him anymore. Fact is there are times I do (Be it home repair or watching the kids for a couple of hours), but when I ask he turns me down. So, I just stopped asking and figure stuff out on my own. I am starting to get good at this home repair stuff.

So, tonight Mandi goes to Group and I can do whatever ...... so as long it is not at the house.

Post 5: Feeling good

Getting on my rant using this blog as a vessel to expel my feeling has been really paying off! Also, getting my paxil refilled helps too.

So if you are wondering, I had a change of heart and didn't go on Saturday. I didn't feel the need to for some reason. I decided to work on the house and then hang out with my family.

I owe it to myself to clear some things up.

Mandi only hooked up with Sam after I had been gone for three months. I still think she used VERY poor judgment to get drunk and sleep with him just to feel better about herself. But, I am trying very hard to let the past be the past. It will eat away at me if I can't let it go.

I sometimes want to go to Sam Lazar's house and pound the shit out of him. But, Mandi did confess to me that she told him we were separated and was trying to "get together" with him. Part of me still wish I did do something, but a criminal record is the last thing I need, and at the time I was already served and didn't want to jeopardize my rights to have my kids after the divorce.

We men sure get the shit end of the stick when it comes to divorces.

Well, I have decided for now that I will just let life guide me along. However, as for opportunity, that is something I can't say till it actually lands in my lap.

Funny thing, I started going out with a girl (I can't even remember her name anymore LOL) who seemed cool after the Sam incident. I guess I forgot to update my Myspace  to "single" or something cause she flaked out on me. She even asked me if I wanted to she her again and if I would call. So that's why it is funny, cause if I hooked up with her, I probably would be divorced by now.

Mandi has been good with taking her meds for depression (like me) and has been better about helping with house cleaning. So, for now things are ok.

I am blessed that I have such good friends like Scott and Jim to talk to. Scott watched my son for a couple hours a day. He is do good with Zack. I hope that good guys like Scott find nice girls. But, we all now that girls like to hook up with assholes cause they perceive being a asshole as confidence. Then they wonder why they can't find guys like Scott and Jim.

Post 4: Opportunity Knocks, and getting more shit off my chest

Good friend of mine is moving to Florida for her new job. Her and her boyfriend split up on good terms (if there is such a thing). They were together for 8 years. Long time for a couple who is not even 30.

So, my friend is throwing one last big party as a far-well.

I am hoping lots of people (especially girls) are there.

For my entire life, I have not acted like a typical guy. Like I said before, I feel like I have no balls. My parents brainwashed me really good, and even ruined every chance I had for a date while in High school, so afraid I was going to have sex. They wouldn't even help me go to prom. If I wanted to go, I had to find my own ride, pay from my own tux and whatever else that came around, BUT be home at 10pm! All these years I thought they were good to me, when really, they fucked me up real good.

I never got to be a teenager. I went to school and then worked from 3:30pm to as late as 11:00pm for my Dad's asshole boss. That mother fucker even had me working through supper....that's right, I didn't even get any breaks till I finally asked to have 5:30pm to 6:30pm to get a dinner.

You see, in Chicago, everyone commutes. My job was near 20 miles away by the end of the day. (I worked as a assistant teacher in ISKC for 3 years form age 16 to 19. By far the worst job I had while in school. Three years of loyalty = $5.75 an hour!)

Where were my parents when I would be so tired I barely made the B honor roll at high school?

Where were they when I asked if I could quit the job?

Where where they when I wanted to go to colloge?

They were to busy taking care of their own ass that's where.

I have payed for everything I wanted since I was 10, the year my Dad lost his job. I wanted a $149 stereo for X-mas, I payed for half. I wanted a Nintendo, sold all my toys and mowed lawns to get it as well as any games I wanted. Now the typical Baby-boomer would say,

"That builds character."

OK, then explain that when it came time to go to college, my parent told me "College is not for everyone." That translates as, if you want to go to college then you have to do it one your own. They didn't even point me to a direction, NOTHING!

Poor white boy wants to go to college? Not happening in this country. Reverse racism was pretty bad in 1996. Problem with that is, I am white man. Which also translates in my country, the US of A, telling me if your white then you have the money to go to college, so no grants for you. And I am no Einstein, so no scholarships. A 3.0 GPA is dog shit if you have no money to go to college.

My parents wanted to get rid of me, but didn't want to foot the bill to do it. Eventually I found a way. US Marine Corps.

I figured if I made it back from there I would have a purpose (young naive thinking at the time) and the ability to go to college. After 4 years of shooting at shit, I made it home and had the ability to go to college....BUT, got married to...oops.

Funny thing was I didn't even want to get married, but my parents wanted grand kids and therefore when I talked about not getting married, well lets just say they were not there for me. what else is new? Little do they know I am severing my ties with them. I don't call them any more. They want to talk to me then they can call me.

As for college, I graduated with Honors despite being married and having to work and raise a child. So, fuck you Miss Jones and all you other Horace Mann teachers for calling me stupid.

So, Saturday night, I change all that. I am going to flirt and then hopefully have some fun when any girl that want to have fun with me. Mandi got to fuck someone in March, so not I am going do the same if the opportunity knocks.

Post 3: Part 2

It's amazing how one word can put you in a emotional train wreck. That's right, my daughter is "autistic" as well. What's really fucked up is I completely deny it. So, she has a speech delay?! She is nothing like my son. It is like night and day.

Jesus, what in the hell did I do to deserve this? I am in a serious downward spiral here. Many people I suppose take it for granted that their kids don't have issues. Do they even know how blessed they are? How lucky they are?

Kate plus 8, do you even know how lucky you are? Eight kids, no autism or worst. Women like her should be ashamed that they drive their men away. You are not fooling me.

Well, that rant didn't make me feel any better at all?

Back to "real life"......

I am at a loss as to what I want to do. Part of me just wants to leave. Another part of me want to pick up a girl and have revenge sex to pay back my "wife". But that not so easy for a guy to do like a girl. A girl can go out and pick-up a guy any night she wants. Us guys get the fucking shaft though. We have to come and be all suave and by the bitch a few drinks and even then you have a 5% chance of getting laid. Then you have to worry about if the girl has any rotten crotch diseases that will fuck you up later. Fuck, I really hate women today.

I think I be happier with a beer in one hand and my junk on the other watching porn when I feel frisky.

My dumb ass wife fucked a co-worker at her job cause she thought he was "supportive", then he bolts when she wonder if he was interested in a relationship. LOL

Really, the joke is on me, cause I went back to her. I have no fucking balls. And to think I was a US Marine once. Look at me now.

Post 3: Part 1

As I mentioned before, my son is autistic. Today, I get to find out if my daughter is. I know deep down (and having to raise an autistic child the last four years)that she is not. She is very social and is almost potty trained. Not bad for two.

Mandi is nervous that she will get diagnosed as autistic. The doctor she is seeing has a reputation to have a "wide spectrum". That means if she sees just the slightest hint, then the child get the autistic stamp.

It's the wide spectrum that causes this 1 in 150 statistic....or so I believe.

God, I hope that it is not 1 in 150!

Post 2: Dear Paroxetine Hydrochloride

Dear Paroxetine Hydrochloride,
You are the magic that keeps my thoughts of betrayal and revenge at bay. It's amazing that when I forget to take you, the evil that grips me comes back. Make me feel terrible.

You allow me to handle all the bullshit I have to take from a daily bases. Just when I think the storm is finally calming, it picks up again and sometimes stronger than before.

My Dad called and seemed eager to talk. He asked how I was doing. Typically how the conversation goes with him. He begins to ask about the kids and so on. He wants me to bring them by on Halloween.

I asked when they would be willing to watch the kids again, just for a couple of hours. In the past, they always complained that they don't get to see the kids. I tell them that I am of on Mondays, and they are welcome to come over anytime. But, truth be told, they don't miss them enough to drive the seven miles to my house, or leave their new dog for a couple of hour by herself.

Mandi and my parent have been at war for some time now. Mandi said very bad things to my Mom, and I can see why they don't want to be around her, hence me offering Monday visits when Mandi is at work.

BUT, Dad said "we won't watch the kids, Mandi put up that wall" , and "We need to act like grown ups."

What both parties don't understand is that it is tearing me up inside to have to play diplomat. For my own sake, I just stopped doing it.

I hung up on my Dad. I didn't slam the phone or yell. I just hung up. It is no use to explain to him. I tried that. He is always right. He always interrupts me when I try to really talk about my issues.

So, Paroxetine Hydrochloride, you help me deal with this and so much more. But, I think I need to up the dose. It is not easy being me.

I live with a wife that fucked another guy whom I caught.
My son is autistic.
My daughter has development delays.
My parent guilt me and stir up old shit.
and the list goes on.......

Some people would have killed themselves or somebody else.
But, Paroxetine Hydrochloride I can alway count on you to help me keep my mask on.
Thank you.

Post 1: Intro

This is my vent, my outlet, my shrink. Here is where I dump my thoughts. Here, life happens and sometimes you are left with no parachute.

That is the "idea" of this this blog. I, like many men out there, are not willing to talk about our problems. Why you ask? Cause we are trained not to feel or show emotion. This is "weakness". To complicate the problem even more, I am a former US Marine.

I tried many names for this blog, like "Crazy Life" and "My Shrink". Thankfully those were taken. I had to really dig deep and find a title that conveys just how I feel, that wasn't already taken. Life, I thought, was a constant free fall. There was only one direction and that is down. Ultimately we all have the same end, death.

In the past I felt like I had some control, like I had a parachute and I had a destination landing zone. Now, I'm out of chutes.